10 Problems You Could Face At Splendour In The Grass

Written By Sam Murphy on 07/19/2017

Original Photo By Aimee Catt

The best thing about problems is that they're followed by solutions. We're Splendour In The Grass veterans and we're here to help you through every sticky situation you get yourself into...

Making Small Talk About Who You're There To See
Even if someone asks you for your opinion on Brexit, this will still be the worst question you face all weekend. It's the "what are you doing with your life?" of Splendour questions and every motive you had for the weekend will exit your head, replaced by a sea of beige. In this case, always change the subject to who you've seen. This should be a memory only minutes old and will immediately get you out of talking about the future. If you don't do this you will definitely accidentally say Vance Joy. You do not want to be in a conversation about maybe seeing Vance Joy.


Talking About Queens Of The Stone Age's 1998 Debut Record
You may be a fan of Queens Of The Stone Age but that doesn't mean you have to be an encyclopaedia of knowledge. Someone is going to one-up you though for the sake of proving they know more about real-music and you have to be prepared to take it on the chin. If this happens, swiftly change the conversation to The xx, they've only got three albums and a far more devourable history that you can flex your knowledge muscles on. Avoid talking about albums before the 2000s at all costs, it never ends well.


Getting Through Friday After You Got Too Drunk On Thursday

This is an age-old three-day festival problem. You get too excited on the Thursday and suddenly you wake up with a raging hangover for the first day of the festival. If that happens, and we bet it will, ease into things lightly. Grab yourself a bacon and egg role and once the stomach settles hit it with a cider. By The xx's headlining set you won't even remember you were hungover.

Wanting To See Tove Lo Even Though They're Not Triple J Favourites
If your friend is wearing a Violent Soho t-shirt or using the word "tuna" to describe what is typically known as a "tune" this is going to be a tough one to navigate for you. While Tove Lo guested on triple j poster boy Flume's Say It, she's more of a commercial artist and people are going to question why she's there in the first place. The lesson here is there is a world outside that radio station and Tove is likely going to be one of the best acts of the weekend. She's known for wild live sets and you're more than welcome to ditch ya tune rag in search of bangers.


Coming Up With An Opinion On LCD Soundsystem

This is LCD Soundsystem's first time in the country in many, many years and megafans are going to want to know your opinion on them beyond All My Friends. The most important thing to remember in this scenario is, don't be overwhelmed. They've only got three albums and you're probably much more likely to bluff your way out of this one than a conversations about QOTSA. The best way to go, however, would be study up on their forthcoming album American Dream. Nothing says superfan more than knowledge on a new album that's not even out yet.

Deciding You Hate Your Best Friend
This will happen. Four days of drinking, little sleep and loud music will put all your friendships on the line. Your friend waking you up to take you to Jess Kent early on the last day will most likely tip you over the edge but remember on any normal day, 12pm would be a perfectly logical time to be functioning. The good news is hating your best friend is usually a morning thing. As the euphoria of the music and the feels of yet another drink begin to impact on you again, your friend will once again become your friend no matter how pathetic they were at putting up the tent.


Pretending You're Not Repulsed By The State Of The Bathrooms
If your toilet at home was clogged to the hilt there is no way you would then pee on top of it but all reason goes out the window when it comes to dealing with festival toilets. Before you enter block out everything. Mentally, you are the Kenny of Splendour In The Grass and no stench will prevent you from going to the toilet. Once you exit, never speak of it again. It's a universal festival rule. What happens in the portaloo stays in the portaloo. That saying takes on an extra meaning if you actually do block the toilet.


Accidentally Taking Your Friends To The Wrong Stage To See A Band Only You Wanted To See
If you've never been to Splendour before, it's going to take you a little while to learn how to navigate. If you've self-appointed yourself as the tour guide for the weekend you better be prepared to make some mistakes and really piss people off. For example, if say you want to take your friends to see Tash Sultana and accidentally take them to "Eternal India: An Exotic Journey Through The Many Colours Of Mother India," own it. There's very limited Wi-Fi at Splendour and if your friends don't know Beach Slang they won't know any better. They might think it's an odd choice but Splendour is all about embracing its little quirks and your friends will thank you for offering them a different experience. That or they'll be pissed that you convinced them to see this over Lil Yachty.


Reading The Timetable The Wrong Way
We promise you this has happened before. You're going to have to rely on your own common sense for this one. If you drag your friends to The xx at 10.45 in the morning then you've really got to consider how well your brain is working. Don't forget to also congratulate Wharves for headlining their first ever Splendour In The Grass.


Encountering A Dickhead
The dickhead is a common bread at Splendour. They'll no doubt be wearing something culturally inappropriate, a slogan t-shirt that reads something like "orgasm donor" (see below) and will play EDM out of their tent at 8am. Someone once threw a tennis ball at the girl I was with to see if I would catch it and save her. My reflex skills are that of a wombat so she was hit in the face. It was then our fault for not catching, not their fault for aiming something at someone's face. This is the kind of dickhead you will encounter. Unfortunately, the lesson here is to catch the tennis ball and walk on. Be the bigger person. Guaranteed they'll be the ones whose car battery is flat on the final day so you'll leave one-up.



Of course, there are ways to avoid all these problems ever arising. Remember, you've paid good money to be there and it's meant to be fun. Download the timetable, prepare the right things and go with the attitude that you're going to do everything in your power not to hate your friends.