Oh how the mighty have fallen. Last year, Robin Thicke was riding high on the charts with his ode to rape, Blurred Lines. This year, he’s gone through a separation, written an album about said separation and been smacked in the face by the hands of social media.
I sat through Paula (all fifteen tracks) and am now feeling understandably exhausted.
Still, I had time to reflect on what I learnt and how Paula will be feeling after this little gift turns up on her doorstep.
Paula didn’t appreciate the gesture of having her arse ripped in two
“I kept tryna tell you, you were pushing me too far” ‘Paula’ sings back to Thicke in Lock The Door. But he’s always hated “those Blurred Lines”. On Get Her Back he adds that he “should’ve held you stronger”.
On Give It 2 U from the last album he told Paula or one of the girls he was courting at the time that he has “a big dick for you”. Who’s the big dick now?
Robin Thicke made the album in a month
And it shows. Paula sounds like it was recorded in a lobby elevator. Its arrangements are bare-as-anything and the lyrics sound like his iPhone message thread with Paula. Apparently he hasn’t spoken to Paula in four months. What was he doing for the three months he wasn’t writing the album? This apparently:
Robin Thicke needs Paula to cure an STI
In Love Can Grow Back, Thicke insists that if Paula returns she’ll be “scratching and scratching his itch”. If we can offer any advice to Paula should she return, it’s do not scratch that itch. It should be treated by a medical professional.
Robin Thicke uses 9/11 as a metaphor
"I thought I was livin' (YEAH!) / ‘Till I woke up to a siren / I thought I was over (YEAH!) / ‘Till I met those New York soldiers / They keep on working (keep on working) / They keep on fighting (keep on fighting) / America (America) / It's time to wake up (Time to wake up)."
Please make this stop. Could this be a reference to 9/11 in a song that also features the line “Girls are pretty, streets are witty”?
Sweet cherry pineapple black is a colour
Thicke says this is the colour of Paula’s “new new new new new new new nails” in Love Can Grow Back. I think it may look a little like this:
Paula smashed Robin’s guitar, hit him with golf clubs and still this album exists
Robin is either thicke or very forgiving. In Black Tar Cloud he tells the tale of what was surely his relationship's last days. Paula swung his golf clubs at him, smashed his “ride” and broke his guitar. No doubt in an attempt to prevent this album from being made.
Robin hasn’t learnt anything
While he spends most of the album begging for Paula to come back, there’s glimpses of the old Thicke that pop up every now and then. In Something Bad he sings “I know you wanna fly so baby open up your wings / Then I'll walk out with your legs shaking while you're screaming, ‘Robin please!'" How could Paula leave such a sexual deviant? Well, he believes that he didn’t “spank” her enough.
Just quietly, I think she’s had quite enough of your spanking:
Paula is the eiffel tower, the Northern lights and Mona Lisa
A woman of many talents, obviously. How could she manage a relationship when she’s three tourist attractions at once?
Paula was born when she was 21
More metaphorical brilliance from Mr. Thicke. According to Lock The Door, Paula was “born in Paris at the age of 21”. Her poor, poor mother, how did she push that thing out?
Paula’s probably not coming back but we wish she would
I’ve been doing a little reading on divorce and apparently one goes through a number of phases: denial, crazy behaviour, sadness and acceptance. Based on the lyrics throughout Paula, one would think Thicke is in the denial stage. That means that there could potentially be three more albums named after Paula. This isn’t The Blueprint or Tha Carter. No more sequels should be made and there is only one person that can prevent that. Paula, we’re looking at you. I’m sorry.
I won’t tell you the release date, but I’m sure you can stream it somewhere if you still feel the need.