Coachella Weekend Two is upon us and those who are lucky enough to get their hands on the hottest festival tickets of the season are gearing up to face the best weekend of their lives. Notoriously cursed Weekend One turned out sun, sandstorms, Gwen Stefani, Beyoncé, the epic headliners Arcade Fire and comeback kids Outkast. So, with Weekend One done and dusted relatively injury free, let’s learn from their mistakes and don’t fuck it up.
Do: Ooooh and Ahhhhh at the celebrities
This is one of the only festivals where celebrities brave it to walk amongst us plebs in the light of day (minus the epic security entourage). Best advice, buy VIP tickets. Worth the price if you want to rub shoulders with the rich, famous and D-class celebs. Alternatively, you could just go and enjoy the music and not fork out the $1000 in a celeb-spotting fueled moment of spontaneity.
Don’t: Go and talk to them
What do you expect? They are going to turn around and hug you and say, “Hey Jimmy-Jo, so nice to see you! Thanks so much for coming up and disturbing me while I’m with my actual friends, whom I know. Good on you!” It’s not going to happen. Leave them in peace and respect that they have been paid $20,000 plus, to just be awesome and eat cheeseburgers (cough, Vanessa Hudgens).
Do: Take photos
What the heck. Memories! You may never be there again. We all know that how good would the X-pro filter look with the backdrop of the desert and the Ferris Wheel. Take photos with due care and remember phone batteries do not last these days!
Don’t: Video your favourite artist’s entire set on your phone
A) YOU ARE MISSING YOUR FAVOURITE ARTIST
B) When you try and show it to your mates back home it’s 95% of the time going to turn out fuzzy and inaudible. Plus they don’t give a shit, they weren’t there.
Watch, listen and feel what’s going on around you. That’s what sticks in your memory more than anything.
Do: Show the Love!
This is a new and exciting environment- New people, new vibes and a place where everyone shares the same undying passion…MUSIC. Chat to people in the toilet line, dance with the random next to you because you never know what cool and interesting people you might meet.
Don’t: Mack face in front of everyone
There’s love and then there’s love. No one ones to see you and your boyfriend consummate your relationship on the dance floor. Leave it to the confines of your 1-man tent, quietly. Please, for everyone’s sake.
Do: Make a memorable meeting spot
No matter how hard you may do the “chicken hands”, “Alan….Steve, Alan” or stack on each other shoulders to find your friends, no one wants to lose a mate on the field. Agree on a solid meeting spot as soon as you enter the festival day one.
Don’t: Make your “memorable meeting spot” the Giant Astronaut
Do not be fooled by his size, you are not spacing out - what would appear to be the crème-de-la-crème hotspot, the inescapable Giant Astronaut, makes out to be a hilariously bad meeting spot. Spoiler: This wise guy slowly roams the grounds of Coachella, so it’s best to choose a better stationary giant intimate object.
Do: Make a plan
Ohhhh the clashes! The almighty clashes! It may seem a little over whelming when the set times come out: Muse is clashing with Skrillex, and Pharrell Williams. And oh god! You have to see Flume, you have to see Fluuummmmeee! Print out the timetable, fight it out with your mates, best of three wins. Get over it.
Don’t: Stick to your plan
With more artists, surprise artists and side attractions than ever before, go explore!! Stick to your essentials *cough* OUTKAST, ARCADE FIRE, GIRL TALK *cough cough,* but make leave room for frolicking around the polo grounds of Coachella. Our pick: the Heineken dome. They are churning out some exciting surprise sets, over the whole weekend.
Do: Dress for the occasion
It’s a festival. Be festive. Hats, bohemian dresses, sandals, whatever floats your boat BUT remember it is also in a desert. Warm days and cold nights. Try and pack a bandana, just for the potential of dust storms.
Don’t: Dress like a skank
Do not be fooled into thinking that covering your private parts with a flap of material and two stickers on your nips is acceptable. This is not a trailer park; Coachella is one of the classiest festivals on the circuit and you need to treat it with respect.
Those girls who want to sit shoulders - great for the Coachella after movie – but sheer misery for everyone behind you. Cover your “hoo-haa” please, is that too much to ask?
Do: Flag your tent
There are 90,000 odd people attending Coachella this year, and many of them will be sharing the cosy camping grounds with you. And believe it or not, they may have the same discount green two-man tent you bought from Walmart last week. Flag your tent with fluro, flags, fury toys, whatever floats your boat really or else risk wandering the campsite until next Tuesday.
Don’t: Pass out just anywhere
Do not assume that any piece of unclaimed land, tent or tee-pee is yours to claim. No one wants to come back to the big bad, beer-faced wolf and sleeping in their bed. Do what you can to make it home. Skip, crawl, roll.
Do: Bring Toilet Paper
Trust Us.
